census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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