I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
