Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
