My friends, they love my intelligence
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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