Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
