I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
