peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
