The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
