sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Come on in and take your pants off
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