2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
