I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
