Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
