Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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