sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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