I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
