my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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