She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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