there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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