I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
