If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize