youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
