There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize