I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my shit smells like andre
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
