life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
