I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
