You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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