It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize