Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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