my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you traded sex for a burrito?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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