never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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