Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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