I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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