I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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