She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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