I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
