Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
