I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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