Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
