Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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