That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
