She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
