That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
