I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
