A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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