nut hugger
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
