You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
