I wanna bring you to show and tell
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
