Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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