my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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