I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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