Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
