Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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