i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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