Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize