Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
