Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
