why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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