my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
