remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
